Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Miley, Miley. My dearest Miley.

I’ve tried to stay silent on this, but wow. What a performance that was at the VMA’s. The world is still abuzz about your provocative act. Although I’m not sure if “provocative” is really a suitable description, that’s likely an understatement. Either way, I think most would agree that calling it “memorable” would be more than fair.

Miley. I understand you’ve come into your own recently. What with being engaged and head shaven and all, one can only presume that those Hannah Montana squeaky clean Disney days are fading in your rearview mirror. Your song, “We Can’t Stop” while catchy, certainly frames your state of mind lately and the personal choices you’ve been making. No one can deny you that. You are an adult.

However, since I am also an adult, one that is old enough to be called “Ma-am” when I’m shown my seat in a restaurant, I’d like to think that my years of living allow me some perspective that I can pass along to you now.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone has a wild time in their youth, (including me) and you were certainly due. We all have done stupid things as we test the limits of our newfound independence around your age. We all did things our stodgy parents did not approve of, yet they loved us unconditionally — just as does your mother who had no choice but to cast supportive applause lest she creates another whole scandal in and of itself by reacting in any other way during your show. I shudder at what your father was thinking in the privacy of his home, not to mention your faux fiancé must be thrilled.

But Miley dear, whilst it may be time for you to sow your oats, you are in a predicament because you are a “celebrity” in a very connected world. Your every action is watched and memorialized forever on the Interwebs to a degree none of us regular people could ever fathom. Your actions cannot be forgotten, they will always be searchable online, and for that reason alone, you must be strategic about what you allow the world to see:

• And that is most definitely not your extended tongue. I can only assume that Gene Simmons gave you some sort of exercise advice to make it protrude in an iconic 80’s hairband/Billy Idol fashion. Delete Mr. Simmons from your phone. It was not a good look. In fact, it was painful to watch.
• We also do not want to see your body poured into a skin-tight playboy bunny style teddy bear suit. That’s creepy in a Chucky kind of way. Add in the bobbing bears and it just looks like something designed for “Molly” and all her friends to watch together right after Teletubbies. If you don’t believe me, take a look at the conversations about the VMA’s. Even Lady Gaga’s very nearly nude didn’t spark such criticism.
• And lastly, not everyone wants to see your grinding, motor boating, and foam finger shenanigans. I can only presume MTV drew the line at you bringing your vibrator on stage too. It was truly like watching a preview to your soon to be released porn star musical.

Never knowing the full story, I generally I try not to cast judgment on people but this performance was pretty polarizing. The people who think it was “okay” since it was MTV, and that you’re “just growing up” scare the living hell out of me because they embody what’s ideologically wrong with America today. The blurring of the appropriateness on our many entertainment mediums is dangerous. I could have stopped that sentence at appropriateness… Your VMA act was best suited for a strip club or PPV, not for prime time.

Before you went on stage, that performance may have seemed like a good idea  — but I have to think that you rehearsed it at some point. Whoever(s) was in that “dress” rehearsal audience that told you it was spot on had a motive incongruous to your own. I feel sorry that no one stood up for you to help you put it in perspective that it was just. too. much. Alas, life is about learning from failure. I would hope that on Monday you were able to reflect on what a poor decision you made for YOU, although I suspect this escapes you.

We could play the blame game as to the “why” of how it happened but that is irrelevant. If “Molly” or one of her BFF’s influenced you to adlib your routine to cross over from distasteful, go flying past raunchy, and land squarely on appalling, so be it. I pray that you realize soon that your impaired judgment is only the beginning of the downward spiral that those types of “friends” can bring.

Regardless, what you need to take away from this experience is that there is a time and place for everything, and if dry humping men on stage is burning in your blood to do, then you need to find the right outlet and own it. It is very clearly not when the impressionable youth of our society are watching. Has Disney not taught you anything? Is this how you repay them for your fame?

Miley, you have alienated a large section of your fan base, which includes your peers. (I don’t believe Will Smith will be inviting you to babysit any time soon.)  If that means anything to you, you’ll need to earn their trust back, or else you’ll be cast along with the laughing stocks of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes. Play your cards the right way, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll rise above this. If there’s one thing America loves, it’s the comeback kid  — because after all, we each have sins of our past that we can relate to. Oh, but then again, you’ll sell a lot of magazines if you keep it up. Train wrecks are quite popular too.

So Miley, you choose your path. However, based on your most recent displays, I must bid you adieu. Your shows will not be airing in Chez Perot, your songs not loaded on our iPods. You see, I am raising a little girl of my own and you are a role model that only over my dead body will I let her aspire to be: Disney princess turned MTV slut. And while one day I’m sure it’s inevitable that the Princess Cupcake will find your “remarkable” performance, we’ll treat it as a teachable moment on how someone who respects themselves behaves, what’s tasteful yet artistic, and the lasting power of the Internet.

In the meantime, I hear Mandesa launched a new album this week.

Greatness: Mommy, what’s Miley Cyrus doing to that Teddy Bear?