When did the toy industry, in their $60 billion dollar world full infinite wisdom, focus groups and classified research, determine that the parents of the world have been abhorrently depriving their little girls of toys that emulate pooping, sex, death, and self-mutilation?!
I realize that I may fall into the conservative side of the camp, but these crazy waste of money toys can stay on their shelves. They range from the ridiculously absurd, to faith-shattering dangerously glorifying the occult, to absolutely without words shocking.
Let’s start with the latest fascination of pooping dolls. Not just baby dolls like we grew up with. You know, the ones that pee after you squeeze water in their mouths? These dolls magically poop “treats” for your little girl to play with. TO PLAY WITH.
Imagine how thrilled I was when the Princess Cupcake returned from a shopping trip, proudly clutching the Lalala Loopsy Diaper Surprise.
I’m like, WTH? It poops collectible charms into its diaper? That’s totally realistic.
So I get the appeal of the collectible charms part. I get how cute and adorable Lalaloopsy is. But seriously, magical charms in its diaper? SMH. What brainiac came up with this one and thought it was a good idea? Correction: what MALE brainiac came up with this one and thought it was a good idea? No way a woman dreams up ideas for toys centered on playing with things that come out of us down there.
Yes, I let her keep the pooping Lalaloopsy in an effort to appeal to her nurturing ways. Thankfully, the charms are a one-time per diaper thing, and even she said it was “gross” when the paper disintegrates to reveal the treasured poop charm. We jointly agreed that we won’t be buying more of the special “diapers” which are a requisite for additional diaper surprises. She’ll just have to be happy with only three charms on her display bracelet.
I’m not kidding. You get a bracelet to hang your poop charms on.
Then we see this in the store while shopping for a birthday present: Moxie Girlz Poopsy Pets.
Really?! Totally confirms that pooping toys is a thing now. I get the tasteless wooden deer that pooped M&M’s that my father-in-law thought was hilarious. It was — for about 5 minutes. Then you’re like, great. I’m eating M&M’s from a deer’s butt. Can we be grown ups again and use a dish?
I promise you, I am not completely without humor. I will admit to chuckling when I spied Kellan, who has a pet unicorn that poops rainbows — but I’m not going to buy it. I might IG the heck out of it, but it’s not coming home with me.
Kellan has sisters though, and they all have pets that poop not quite as funny things. Lucky for my daughter, she is a Moxie girl realized in that we already have pets that poop not so funny things. And unless they’ve been eating crayons again, there’s nothing magical about that stinky mess those pugs poop in our backyard. We certainly don’t need reminding of that fun little treasure hunt routine with a not so attractive doll and her pet with the mini poop pieces that are most certainly going to find their way into every sofa crack and under my feet in the middle of the night. I’d put money on it that they’ll end up in the backyard “magic” poop too.
But if elephants pooping peanuts or panda’s pooping bamboo shoots is your groove, good news, Moxie Toys has you covered. (Although that last one sounds downright painful.)
In thinking about the merits (or demerits) of poopy toys, I can’t help but lump them into the list of other toys we’ll never buy. For example, I’m not cool with the whole Monster High thing in kind of a big way.
Sure, the theme song is upbeat. I suppose a few of the messages on the show might be legit, but let’s leave the Twilight /Walking Dead fascination to the adults who have the sensibilities to understand that glorifying idols, being chased by half-dead zombie grumps and dressing like the Pussy Cat Dolls is not even close to the norm.
Even Scooby Doo and Harry Potter have clear lines between good and evil. Why muck it all up for the littles? My Christian values aside, Monsters High is a bad idea. I feel like it’s mind-bending a whole generation of illuminati vampire whores who in their 40’s will be passing around “What it was like to be a kid in the 2010’s” memes and laugh about how their parents let them dress like sex and death and play with witch dolls when they were 7. If you’re cool with that unconditioned lifestyle, great, but I’ll pass on the playdates at your house, thank you very much Mattel.
And the biggest red flag on my list is the “evil stick.” I barely believed that such a horrible thing could exist until I checked Google. The evil stick is a light-up wand that cackles like a witch, and when the foil decoration on it is removed, it reveals an image of a young girl with demonic eyes, slitting her wrists, and blood running down her arms. Don’t believe me? Watch this:
Buddy, I don’t know what Isis world you’re living in… but this is not something young girls see on TV every day. Not even on Monster High. There is no situation on God’s green earth where this is an acceptable toy. Period. The end. Beyond words.
From pooping rainbow unicorns to self mutilation evil sticks, I would love for the toy industry to take a hard look in the mirror. Manufacturing without morals is a slippery slope, and the influence they have over children is dangerous. When something as simple as more mean faces on Lego mini-figs makes the news as to its influence on how your children play, imagine what prostitute-looking ghouls who worship fake gods can do.
Let’s be honest though. Toy companies are in the business of selling toys and you really can’t fault them for that. In fact, there are a lot of really fantastic toys on the market that don’t get the same attention as these awful ones because they’re quietly helping future engineers and architects and nurses role play in their suburban game rooms every day. So here’s an idea: If you don’t want to raise little bratty rail thin girl ghosts who play with poop and slit their wrists, let’s not buy their craptastically bad ideas so they’ll stop making them.